First, the baby is fine. He’s actually more than fine and is growing so fast I feel like I can’t even blink. The hurt that I’m feeling is not about him, thank God, but instead about a slew of other things that decided they were all going to happen at once.
Two of the things going on are not really my business to share. One of them is so major that I’m not sure how to process it right now. It’s had me in crying jags since I found out yesterday morning. I suspect it’s something I will come to terms with eventually but right now it’s weighing so heavy and hurting so badly that I can’t deal. The other is much smaller in comparison, at least my involvement and attachment to it is anyway.
The thing I can share is that on Thursday evening my grandmother fell down the stairs in my parent’s house. The good news is she didn’t break a hip, or her back, or suffer major head trauma. The bad news is she broke her elbow and her upper arm in two places. That means surgery to repair the elbow and potentially some damage done to her shoulder by one of the other breaks. Surgery for an 84 year woman is always a big deal but this is extra big because she has lung issues. The blunt version is if she is intubated for long periods of time there is a chance she will never come off the ventilator.
I’m worried. I’m worried about my grandmother but I’m almost more worried about my mother. This is her only remaining parent and the two are very close. My mom has been caring for my grandmother for over 4 years now, after a surgery that rendered her unable to care for herself. My mom is selfless and has always shouldered this burden without even considering some sort of care facility. After this my mother may not be able to care for her at home anymore and I think it’s hurting her.
Between my grandmother’s situation and the other thing, my heart feels like it’s made of lead. I can’t shake that feeling of sadness. For a few reasons I need to. I need to be happy, I need to not be stressed right now. It’s more important than I can say for me to be happy and healthy. Processing all of this is extremely difficult however.
I can’t seem to break through it or wrap my mind around it. I thought I would try at least writing it down but I realized that what’s bugging me the most is the one thing I just can’t discuss. A good friend told me what was going on with him in confidence and I refuse to share it with the entire internet just to feel better about it. I suppose writing some of this did help. At least I could document how I’m feeling even if I can’t openly discuss what’s causing that hurt. I think I need to go hug my son now. Maybe I can hug away some of this sadness.