The One Where My Heart is Heavy

First, the baby is fine.  He’s actually more than fine and is growing so fast I feel like I can’t even blink.  The hurt that I’m feeling is not about him, thank God, but instead about a slew of other things that decided they were all going to happen at once.

Two of the things going on are not really my business to share.  One of them is so major that I’m not sure how to process it right now.  It’s had me in crying jags since I found out yesterday morning.  I suspect it’s something I will come to terms with eventually but right now it’s weighing so heavy and hurting so badly that I can’t deal.  The other is much smaller in comparison, at least my involvement and attachment to it is anyway.

The thing I can share is that on Thursday evening my grandmother fell down the stairs in my parent’s house.  The good news is she didn’t break a hip, or her back, or suffer major head trauma.  The bad news is she broke her elbow and her upper arm in two places.  That means surgery to repair the elbow and potentially some damage done to her shoulder by one of the other breaks.  Surgery for an 84 year woman is always a big deal but this is extra big because she has lung issues.  The blunt version is if she is intubated for long periods of time there is a chance she will never come off the ventilator.

I’m worried.  I’m worried about my grandmother but I’m almost more worried about my mother.  This is her only remaining parent and the two are very close.  My mom has been caring for my grandmother for over 4 years now, after a surgery that rendered her unable to care for herself.  My mom is selfless and has always shouldered this burden without even considering some sort of care facility.  After this my mother may not be able to care for her at home anymore and I think it’s hurting her.

Between my grandmother’s situation and the other thing, my heart feels like it’s made of lead.  I can’t shake that feeling of sadness.  For a few reasons I need to.  I need to be happy, I need to not be stressed right now.  It’s more important than I can say for me to be happy and healthy.  Processing all of this is extremely difficult however.

I can’t seem to break through it or wrap my mind around it.  I thought I would try at least writing it down but I realized that what’s bugging me the most is the one thing I just can’t discuss.  A good friend told me what was going on with him in confidence and I refuse to share it with the entire internet just to feel better about it.  I suppose writing some of this did help.  At least I could document how I’m feeling even if I can’t openly discuss what’s causing that hurt.  I think I need to go hug my son now.  Maybe I can hug away some of this sadness.

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About Elaine

Mom, engineer, writer, gamer, gym rat. Ain't nobody got time for excuses.
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6 Responses to The One Where My Heart is Heavy

  1. Carolyn S. says:

    I don’t know what’s going on with the other bad stuff with your friend, but hope things get better for you (and them) soon. *hugs*

    Very sorry to hear about your grandma and hope that the surgery goes better than expected. I lost my last grandparent when I was 16 (the other 3 before I was even 3 years old), so I never had an adult relationship with any of them. Being younger didn’t make the pain any less, but there’s a bittersweet feeling added when one is an adult. Makes me sad to think of my parents as they get older…how difficult it’s going to be…

    Life sucks sometimes…but venting about it always helps.

  2. Maureen says:

    I’m so sorry to hear about your difficulty – it is tough when stuff happens to a friend that you can’t make better just by wishing… and family troubles are so hard to handle… it’s almost worse when the bad stuff is happening to those you love, and not directly to you… please know that you have friends who care about you and wish they could hug your sadness away. 😦 ❤

  3. Elaine says:

    Thank you so much ladies. You are wonderful and really making me feel a great deal better.

  4. Elaine says:

    So, it looks like my grandmother’s surgery is tentatively scheduled for 1:30pm on Monday. They don’t know how long they will be operating because they don’t really know the full extent of the damage. Part of her shoulder is going to be replaced with an artificial joint and it’s possible the same could happen for her elbow.

  5. Maureen says:

    Modern medicine has made a great deal of progress… I’m confident that the surgery will go well. Just make sure that you talk to the Anesthesiologist(s) who will be working on your grandma to address your concerns. 🙂

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