When I had Nathan I honestly forgot who I was. I left behind all of the things that shaped my personality. I had stopped going to jiu-jitsu, I rarely played video games, I didn’t produce my podcast anymore, and tons of other minuscule things that aren’t even worth listing. Nathan is a year old now and I’ve finally started to feel like I’m the same person I was before he was born.
I spent the better part of 10 months of Nathan’s life trudging through life kind of like a zombie. I got up with the baby when necessary, got through a full day at work, got the baby fed and clean and in bed, and then I would fight to stay awake for an hour before passing out just to wake up the next day and do it all again. I had forgotten that my hobbies were more like passions. I love to write, I love video games, I love producing a podcast, I like exercise (in any form really). I am the rare breed of person whose job doesn’t define them but whose hobbies do.
When Nathan was 10 months old I started going back to jiu-jitsu and I started playing games again and all of these things really helped make me feel better. I started writing this blog when he was even younger than that and it help as well. Today I managed to record, edit and upload our podcast for the first time in what feels like forever. That was the icing on the cake. I feel like I have enough bits of my life before motherhood back that I’m whole again. It’s not that I don’t love my son, I do very much, but in loving him I forgot how to love myself. I forgot how to take care of myself for a while, how to have fun, how to prioritize my sanity and my happiness on occasion.
I’m starting to remember how to do all of these things now. I’m remembering who I am. It’s nice to have some time to remember that I’m more than just someone’s mother, I’m also someone’s wife, and I’m my own person. I think sometimes we all need to be reminded that we aren’t just mom.