The One Where My Child Terrifies Me Daily

You guys.  YOU GUYS.  My son is walking.  MY SON IS WALKING.  I have never been so terrified in my entire life.  To be very clear he isn’t a full-time walking man or anything but he randomly stands up and starts taking steps like a drunk on St. Patty’s day.  At any given moment, like for instance when he is standing next to something dangerous, he could just start teetering around on those chunky legs of his.

My husband has been waiting with bated breath for the walking.  Honestly I think Don may have passed out a few times because he would hold his breath every time Nathan stood up, awaiting first steps.  I was not awaiting the steps.  Walking means running and running means falling.  Actually lets not even get that far Nathan falls plenty now just learning to walk.  Shit I fall down all the time and I’m 28!  I’ve had like 27 years of practice waking and I still trip over my own feet or walk into our coffee table daily.

Look don’t get me wrong I’m really excited he’s walking and everything but I also spend far more time worrying now than I ever did while he was just crawling around.  I can’t even imagine a world in which this child runs.  I just don’t think other people are prepared.  Combine running with the gnawing that he does and you have a fast zombie.  I’ll let that thought settle in for a moment.  Scared now?

On a more positive developmental note Nathan has also decided in the last week that table food is amazing.  He’s figured out that when I put pieces of food in front of him they might be delicious and so he should try to put them into his fool mouth.  It’s awesome to watch him eat.  He analyzes every bite and sometimes he sniffs things before he eats them.  It’s hilarious to me and I can’t get enough of watching him grab food stuffs with his chubby little fingers.

I wasn’t personally worried about the walking, I figured he would get there in his time, but I was worried about the eating.  Up until this point he has had a huge aversion to putting anything with texture in his mouth.  He has gagged himself on pieces of food and would just generally freak out about eating anything textured.  I was starting to get a little concerned that he had some sort of texture issue or food aversion and I was getting ready to ask the pediatrician about it at his well visit this week.

All my worries were shelved on Sunday when he ate an entire soft granola bar by himself.  I put pieces in front of him to let him play with them and when I looked back he was chomping them down.  I have never been so thrilled.  I’m not sure why this particular thing had me so concerned.  I don’t know if I was worried because of our battle with reflux or because I spend far too much goddamn time with my friend Google.  I have realized that my kid is what I will call a lightbulb baby.  When he decides he is ready to do something he just flips a switch and does it.  In a lot of ways this makes him exactly like Don because most of them time when Nathan decides to do something he is almost instantly good at it, just like his father.  It’s infuriating.  Ok maybe it’s also pretty cool.

Next we await talking.  This is another one I’m not excited for.  I am told once they talk you can never go back.  You can never shut them up.  So when he gets tall enough to open doors and learns to talk I will have a constantly chattering baby going through all my closets.  Fantastic.  It’ll be just like watching “What Not to Wear” except I’m fairly certain even a toddler is not as annoying to listen to as Stacy London.


About Elaine

Mom, engineer, writer, gamer, gym rat. Ain't nobody got time for excuses.
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3 Responses to The One Where My Child Terrifies Me Daily

  1. Scott Jacobs says:

    “he randomly stands up and starts taking steps like a drunk on St. Patty’s day”

    Or drunk Aunti Leah!! 🙂

    “Next we await talking. This is another one I’m not excited for. I am told once they talk you can never go back. You can never shut them up.”

    Two things:

    a) I await many calls from your son’s school that go something like this – “Hi, Nathan’s mom? We were calling about your son… No, he’s fine, but he has been walking around with his pants on his head saying ‘penis’ a lot…”

    b) Can’t stop them? Bullshit. What the fuck do you think duct tape is for?

  2. IzzyMom says:

    Awww..he’s walking. My son is five and that seems like a million years ago. I bet you miss the days when he stayed where you put him! And yes, once the talking starts, it won’t stop for about 14 years…then he’ll grunt at you for a while. If you’re lucky. And you? Will learn to magically tune it all out so you can think about stuff besides Legos and Transformers for three and a half seconds 🙂

    • Elaine says:

      I miss the days where he stayed put soooo much right now! My husband and I were really excited about the crawling and then it dawned on us that we would never be able to pee alone again if someone else wasn’t’ in the house. You are not making the talking sound any better than I picture it in my head. I’m hoping if I can tune out my husband when he starts talking about tax law I might be able to tune out a child talking about other boy stuff 😉

      I can’t believe yours is 5. That seems like forever in the future to me right now.

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