I really expected therapy to be terrifying. I’m not sure why. I guess because it feels the person you are talking to has the free reign to pick you apart. Before my first appointment I kept having this nightmare. I would walk into the therapist’s office, she would look at me, tell me I’m messed up, and then write me a script. I thought I was wearing on my outside how anxious and weird I feel lately.
It turns out this whole process was nothing like that at all. I instantly felt comfortable with this woman. She asked me a slew of questions to get to know me (and presumably what she was dealing with here). She asked me a lot of questions about my beginning months with Nathan. I also managed to cry during my first appointment which I SWORE to myself I would not do. Note: this is because she asked me about my breastfeeding experience and that conversation makes me sad and disappointed. I’ll write my next baby post about that business I think.
This woman was not just writing me a prescription and sending me on my way. She was getting to know me and getting to know my problems. She was learning about my relationships with family and with myself. It was so different from anything preconceived notion of this process I had in my mind. What I instantly got out of this was that there was someone I could talk to who wasn’t personally invested in my situation. I could say the things I needed to say and then leave and it wouldn’t haunt me. My feelings wouldn’t stare at me all evening like they do when I talk to my husband. Being honest wouldn’t worry this woman like it worries my mother.
In this setting I can be totally honest about what I’m going through. This honesty already feels like a weight off my chest and it’s been only one session. I feel like someone is in my corner now, someone who knows how to help me fix this. Ultimately she wants to see me one a week for right now. She seemed confident we could do a great deal without immediately resorting to any medication. I feel good about this. I feel good about myself. I feel like I’m addressing this and working on something. I like this.