I’ve been thinking about my son a great deal over this holiday season. I’m not just talking about OMG LOOK AT ALL THE BABY PRESENTS (there were so many of them I think we need more house). Much of my time has been consumed thinking about all 9 of our months together. I’ve been thinking about the beginning along with the present.
I decided that in 2011 I will take some time each day to write. Even if I never push the publish button I need to put thoughts down every day. It not only helps me avoid getting pissed off that I’m being lazy and have all of 2 posts on this blog but it also helps me get out the overwhelming number of thoughts I have floating around.
Some things have transpired in the last few weeks that have spurred me to make this decision to write. I want a place to remember the beginning of this baby’s life. I want a place to remember the joys. More importantly I want, rather I NEED, a place to remember how hard it has been. I need to write down the difficulties so I will never forget them. More importantly I need to write them down because other people should know. Friends, family and most importantly other new mothers should know how hard the first 9 months of my son’s life were for me.
I’m finally now finding my zen. Finding joy in the little things and keeping my patience with all the difficult things and the frustrations. I’m finding happiness in our baby, in my son, in the little person with his own personality who lives in my house. I’m only now finding all of this, 9 months into my son’s life. This is not to say the beginning didn’t have joyous moments. I love Nathan more than I can express with words. I literally do not have the vocabulary to express my love for him, in fact I don’t think the words even exist.
Love however, does not mean that I didn’t cry a great deal (more than is probably healthy and normal). I was irrational, exhausted, frustrated, and in the kind of pain I couldn’t put my finger on. I think the first 6 months was the true worst of it but I had a low point recently as well. It was through that low point and some other kind people reassuring me and helping me that I found peace. I found that feeling that I had been looking for. I finally feel like someone’s mother. I feel competent. I feel confident that I know my child better than anyone. I feel sure of my decision and I am not second guessing them anymore. This feeling took 9 months to find. I want to hold onto it forever.
I hope that other new moms can find this feeling faster. I hope they don’t struggle as much as I have. At the same time I think the struggles made me stronger so for 2011 I’m going to document some of those struggles along with the present. I want this year to be about looking back as much as it is about looking forward. I want to remember all the things that happened and maybe someone will find this blog and find some peace and reassurance in my past and in my present.